I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
