so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
