I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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