When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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