she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
