I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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