exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I need to stop coming to work sober
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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