What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Pants are for mortals
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
