I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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