do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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