Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
