Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
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She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
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Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.