do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life