The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me