thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
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You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
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You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods