The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
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