please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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