"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
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It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
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I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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