Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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