If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
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he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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