Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
