dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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