Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
