She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
