Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
