my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
