so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
