I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Sober January is a disaster.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
