hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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