I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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