we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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