I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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