I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
