I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize