I got chris browned last night
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
