It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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