why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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