I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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