Taylor Swift is so right about you.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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