i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
