He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
