I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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