god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
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Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
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I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Pants are for mortals
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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