Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
