were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
