so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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