I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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