She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
