You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
