but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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