I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
