I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
