you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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