Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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