So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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